Joe Rogan ‘s Kale Shake Recipe

[dropcap style=”font-size:100px;color:#992211;”]F[/dropcap]ans of the Joe Rogan podcast often hear the man talking about the powerful benefits of kale shakes and wonder not only whether it’s for them but what to expect and how to get started.

Kale shakes feed the body and the mind, make you more alert, lose weight, make-the-poohs-slide-right-out, and really wake you up in the best way possible. Doesn’t that sound good?

So this article is for you. Trebuchet is also a UK thing so I’ve put together what we’ve found useful, which (cheap) blender we went with, what works, things to avoid, and a general guide to getting started without investing too much (Greenwich mean) time and money (Pound Sterling).

The Basic UK Kale Shake Recipe.

Cutting right to the chase the basic recipe (to serve two)  is as follows.

• • • Kale (two handfuls) – mid sized Co-Operative Supermarkets do bags of curly kale.
    • Pears (one) – Normally not to hard to find.
    • Cucumber (four inches worth) – C’mon you’re not even trying.
    • Celery (three stalks) – If you can’t find celery where you are, just eat Chicken Cottage.
    • Ginger*  (same size as two of your thumbs) – I ALWAYS go to Arab corner shops to grab some Ginger. For about a £1 you can normally get two hands worth. Which is plenty. Watch out for mouldy ends and slight rot both of which indicate bad ginger – but are not automatically visually recognisable.
    • A cup of water – necessary to get the blender to blend.

Juicing versus blending. What to buy? 

There is a lot of talk about juicing being better because you’re body can process nutrients as a juiced drink rather than a blended one.

To my mind, blending keeps everything in, vitamins, nutrients, fibre, THE LOT. It makes common sense that giving your body a stern workout is good for you. A kale shake is a total meal that literally scrubs the shit out of your intestines and as a breakfast substitute it’s quick easy and gets you going. Ready to start the day, do rails of coke off hookers, slam shots and yell at interns or whatever us weird Londoners do when we’re not in the pub tutting at foreigners or wishing death on our buttfuckingly corrupt politicians.

Anyway, here at Trebuchet towers we bought this Tefal Store Inn Food Processor because it had the usual food processor as well as a blender jug which what we use to make the Kale. Why this one?

• • • It’s cheap, £50 isn’t a huge investment for a food processor with some blending capabilities (assuming you don’t already have one).
    • The blender jug is incredibly easy to clean which for busy lives is a huge plus. We don’t have time, no-one does. Get with the program.
    • It’s powerful and seemingly well built.

800w will cut through your ginger happily and after three months of near constant use it’s still going strong. Would we get another one?

The main thing when we were starting out was that we didn’t want to invest too much money on something that might be an expensive fad. Several months down the line we still love breakfast shakes so we might spend a bit more. You start small folks, try it out… if it’s a winner, option up.

Note: people selling these Tefal blender often seem to ask for twice the price if they have 800w in the online listing. There is only one version of Tefal Store Inn blender so save your money.

The cons. This blender is seriously noisy. So unless you’re a hateful person that despises your housemates and doesn’t mind their bitter bitter ire don’t grind in the morning. We prepare our Kale Shakes the night before and put the two servings in the fridge so that when we are going about our bleary morning ablutions we’re already ready to go… no further prep required. It’s also a good way to make sure you eat breakfast each morning since it’s convenient.

Tefal Store Inn Food Processor 

How to blend a Kale Shake.

Seems really obvious. But if you don’t know – you don’t know.

• Wash the vegetables, especially the celery and pear. You should wash all the vegetables really but I can’t be bothered. The celery and pears usually have dirt on them… so clean it off dummy.
• Chop the vegetables into medium sized chunks, discarding ends and anything that looks wrong. This is just to make it easier for your blender to process the veggies quickly.
• Cut the amount of ginger you need from the main root. Peel the small amount with a potato peeler so you’ve removed the skin. Some people leave it on and just wash it. I don’t and never have. There is no reason why not it just feels like peeling the ginger is the right thing to do. Since the ginger is quite tough I help the blender out and slice the Ginger to a 1 centimetre thickness.
• Add the water and blend.

Notes: Celery leaves are fine to be added into shake. The plastic that covers the cucumber should be discarded. The stems of kale are fine to be included as is the pear core.

Storing overnight.

Glass is best. But plastic lidded containers seems okay too. There is some evidence to suggest that plastic reacts to foods (especially those with alcohol in it).

Adults only. 

When not fighting the military industrial complex with Alex Jones or espousing the use of DMT with well any number of his guests Joe Rogan drinks in enjoyable moderation… and so in his honour.

Adding vodka and honey to your Kale Shake is amazing. It puts a great second wave of energy into flagging evenings. It also lessens the next day’s hangovers.

Also kale shakes are in themselves great hangover cures as the ginger stimulates blood flow and digestion effectively moving the self-inflicted aura of shame and loathing on.

*Warnings. 

“I helped her out of a jam, I guess
But I used a little too much force” – Bob Dylan 

As you start drinking kale shakes you’ll have less ‘warning time’ when nature calls. After a week or so this eases off but can be really alarming also you may want to ease up to using the amount of ginger given here. If you like ginger you should be fine… so mix to taste. Ginger has lots of health benefits for both men and women so the more the merrier.

Enjoy. Joe Rogan would approve.

Main photo credit: www.terawarner.com. The second photo is by a Trebuchet editor showing the average amount of ginger you can buy for £1 from any number of the little grocery stores that line the streets of London. 

Nutritional Information on Kale:

The World’s Healthiest Foods

Trebuchet Magazine

The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance. – Aristotle