[dropcap style=”font-size:100px; color:#992211;”]T[/dropcap]his review was brought to you by the word ‘squamous’, the colour midnight puce and the letter ‘ð’.
Why? Because I’m trying to educate you horrible lot, that’s why! (Which is to say, I had no bleeding clue what to do after my degree and so I did a PGCE. I don’t even like kids, unlike Mr. Jenkins the Geography teacher, if you know what I mean, but let’s not go there.)
Ahem, anyway, in today’s lesson we’re going to discuss this month’s metal releases, starting with the new disc from venerable Swedish death metallers, Centinex, With a title like Redeeming The Filth, you can probably guess that this is not just a comeback but a manifesto of sorts; as if to say ‘we’re still relevant!’
And in some ways it is, as evidenced by tight, focussed and catchy numbers like “Moist Purple Skin”, but then the rest of the album can’t keep up the momentum so instead we’re lumbered with rather formulaic trudges through standard issue death metal. Something of a shame results.
[quote]a video game soundtrack in search
of a video game to accompany. [/quote]
Next up is the latest offering from Dutch electro-rock instrumentalists Kong, Stem. The big problem with this kind of music is that it sounds like a video game soundtrack in search of a video game to accompany. Because, with nothing else up front, it all sounds lacking. It might be too easy to ascribe this to a lack of vocals, but really it’s due to it being a bit bland at heart, and firmly arrested in its development.
Anyway, that’s why I decided to work with A-Level students, because nothing is more exciting than ordering a load of 18 year-olds about like children and making them wear itchy polyester uniforms. And then gossiping with them about their sex lives during lessons. It all makes sense, honest.
Finally, let’s end on a history lesson. Did you know 1349 was the year the Black Death arrived in Norway as part of its ‘Let’s Fucking Kill Everyone’ World Tour? Oh, you did. Well, that’s why the band 1349 has that name because they’re Norwegian. Anyway, where were we? Yeah, their new album. Massive Cauldron of Chaos.
This is, in fact, the hellhound’s very own knackers, with some amazing, focussed
and beautifully delivered black metal. True, some purists, hiding in their grottoes of despair with an extensive collection of Goat Molestor bootlegs will shriek in despair at the polished production and confident performances, not to mention the variety in the sections and the unnerving ability of the band to nail a really good hook.
On the other hand, there’s still some of that old school naughtiness at play, as one track, called “Mengele” amply demonstrates. (It’s very good too, in case you’re wondering.) So let’s end on a happy note and say Buy This Now in a loud and gaudy font.
– Oh, and if you want a real education, go use the library….
Alexander Hay is a writer and polemicist based online and in print.
